More please………
If for some reason, you had to stop being Kandi and live solely as your male self could you really do it, and how would you approach getting rid of your feminine self?
Could I really do it? Yes, I did it for almost 50 years of my life. I’ve done so for long stretches where “cheating” was not possible. Now doing it and being happy doing it are two very different things. I’d probably revert back to some of my obvious things that I did because I wasn’t very fond of myself, maybe grow a beard, probably put on weight, disdain being photographed and or even noticed. Pull back into myself more.
Could I get rid of my feminine self? I don’t think of myself as feminine, more like that being a component of me. Could I get rid of it? Of course not! We all know it never goes away, no matter how much we try. Alcohol doesn’t kill it. Risk taking doesn’t make it go away. Hyper masculine occupations or activities make no difference. I have said this here and in other places, if I could take that magic pill and make this all go away, I would do so in a heartbeat. I still believe that even with the joy I have found as Kandi. There would be no questions asked. It would just make my life easier. Also, if I were to get rid of these feelings, that pall that hung over me would then not exist and the true me, the gregarious, outgoing and loving person that exemplifies itself through Kandi, would be me!
One thing I know I would have to do if I had to shut Kandi down: stay offline! The internet has been wonderful for letting us all know we are not alone, it has been wonderful for allowing us to connect all over the world. But it is also pervasive, it seeps into our psyches. Over the holidays I spend much more time online simply because I have much more free time during a time of the year that the weather is not that great. So I troll around beyond my usual haunts and it just gets my mind spinning. My ability to manage these feelings over the course of my life were when the internet wasn’t around and/or I simply didn’t look too much at CD and CD-related sites. Technology……a dual edged sword.
Donna, you made me think and that is a good thing!
This blog is all about being real. Last night I lost a friend. She didn’t die, but she shut me off and it makes me very sad. I’ve referred to her before, she is now undergoing HRT. We started going down this road at about the same time, became friends and each took separate forks in the road. She introduced me to my ex-church, something I will always be thankful for. I have also thrown some personal business her way, complicating things a bit. The business is insignificant, but it is necessary to interact on some level. Apparently recently at two separate occasions, she was confused by someone else for me. We look nothing like each other, we sound nothing like each other. I had nothing to do with it. She was hurt by this and I completely understand why. But she suggested we avoid each other in public going forward. I respect her feelings, but am hurt by this, I can’t lie. What’s done is done though, I’ll avoid her like the plague as requested. You cannot put the toothpaste back into the tube. I lost a friend today and it makes me sad……..
from Kandi's Land https://kandis328772669.wordpress.com/2019/04/03/donnas-final-question-2/
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