Reflection

I have a mindless career. Really, I have no career, I have a job. I do have a hobby/passion (running) that allows me time to think. I spend time alone frequently as my wife and my work schedules are generally not in sync. So my grey matter is constantly spinning, analyzing my life. I have told many people this and I could not be more honest, an extended period of time trapped inside my head is not really a good place to be.

My life has changed dramatically since, let’s say, mid 2014. I am much thinner and healthier. I am a competitive runner, driven, getting better. I am hairless, which requires constant upkeep and work. I am now, as you well know, a man and a woman. I am known, not as the person I was for decades, but as Kandi, a personable and stylish lady who for some reason works her tail off for others without financial compensation, often without appreciation. Of course, she receives more in satisfaction and good feeling than she deserves. I am a much better and happier human being in my regular life than ever and it is often noticed by others.

I quite often simply look at myself in a mirror, fascinated at how I got to this place. Pure joy, almost complete confidence, an ability to connect with others on a real level. This, for me, is not fantasy, it’s my reality.

Yet, in my most contemplative moments I wonder, what is the purpose? Why? Why me? What can I do with all of this? What should I do with all of this? Does it even matter? How can I meld the need to provide, the need to pay bills, my responsibilities with my desire to run faster, give more and be happier? How can I move Kandi from the fictional character that she is to become something real and some thing special? How do I sustain all that I have done so far?

My “career” frustrates me and leaves me empty. It’s okay, but I should be better. I can be better. This is my last chapter and I want it to be a good one. I am clearly on the back nine, what hole, only time will tell. I’d like to think I’m on about 11 and want to finish with a string of birdies. I’ll keep trying, some day I hope it will pay off. What that means, I have no idea. I have been on a two or three year quest for something better. No luck so far.

from Kandi's Land https://kandis328772669.wordpress.com/2019/06/26/reflection/
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