Who Am I Kidding?

If you are looking for a positive, pick-me-up post, please come back again tomorrow. If you want reality, please read on.

When am I going to accept that this is all there is? I have been blessed beyond what I deserve in terms of my immediate family. An angel for a wife (quite literally) and two professional daughters. My wife and I (principally my wife) are A+ parents, despite my bringing down the grade curve a bit. My parents and sisters are great people, I love them dearly even if I sort of keep to myself, no doubt the result of the life long struggle with all of this. If it weren’t for my wife, they probably wouldn’t know what I was up to or how I am doing, seeing them only on holidays. I am by no means poor, but am on track to die behind the wheel of my wretched truck (well not this one, I am sure it will fall apart in the very near future). This is true even more so now.

Yes, I do get out, do have friends, but the truth of the matter is that, despite common sense, our self worth (as men) is tied to our careers. Most of my volunteer activities remain one way situations. They get, I give. Little give and take.

I have tried desperately to remake myself, knowing I have so many great traits, so much to give. But in this day and age, no one cares. I know as a hetro CD, I am at the very bottom of the social totem pole. Heck, if I cannot explain why, how can I expect anyone else to understand? I have alluded to legal issues. These will no question haunt me to my grave. This toxic combination renders me worthless in the day and age of internet-only interaction. Interpersonal relationships are a thing of the past. While people are remarkably accepting and forgiving, our society is not at all either accepting or forgiving. Second chances are the stuff of fairy tales.

This post was originally written months ago and then added to recently as one thing after another built up. I’ve had it! Life is conspiring against me. My legal issues reared their ugly head yet again and I’m just sick of it. It’s been over 15 [expletive deleted] years! I’ve paid the price over and over and over again. I only say this to make a point, but ending it all is the only way to make them go away. I am not at all thinking this way, but that’s my reality. I would 1,000,000% trade anyone my freedoms to go out dressed to have these all legal issues disappear. Count the blessings in your life. My so-called career, sucks. My ability to retire, non-existent. My beloved wife, who has done nothing but be there for me, is possible collateral damage.

PLEASE do not consider me lucky. I am not. Far [expletive deleted] from it. Yes, I can walk out my front door in a dress. Kandi is the only part of my life that doesn’t weigh on me. She (and I do consider Kandi a fictitious character) is my escape, my ability to NOT be me. I made mistakes so many years ago and I guess they will haunt me as long as I walk this Earth. That is a fact. Plus my truck is only making things worse. Nothing is simple, nothing is easy. Nothing. Ever.

This is a post, obviously, written of tremendous frustration. These are very much feelings I have, but not necessarily how I live my life. I am absolutely venting, I need to. As I said much of this post was written sometime ago during one of those frustrating stretches, pulled back, almost deleted, tweaked, rewritten, thought about, dispensed, brought back, and then recently yet another issue. One after another, stop already….you get the point. I needed to get it off my chest. Thank you for listening. There is no need for comments on this one, just let it fade into the ether.

I am by no means seeking any sympathy. I am giving perspective. That smiling face you have come to know is going nowhere. But please don’t equate that to a perfect life. My adventures are snipets of life, not my life. No one has a perfect life and neither do I. I will not mention this again and will not comment further on it. Thank you for listening. Posts featuring many happy times and moments (experienced prior to this) are forthcoming. New adventures lay ahead of me.

Now let’s return to our regular programming.

from Kandi's Land https://kandis328772669.wordpress.com/2019/07/26/who-am-i-kidding/
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