Reflection

This post was written last week on a very difficult day for me. Difficult principally because I was alone, with nothing to do and in limbo on some issues. I’ve told many people and it is the absolute truth, being stuck inside my head is a very scary place. I was stuck in there for a while. This post was written to relieve some stress that was building. Well, some mental relief eventually occurred, and I think I see a path forward, we’ll see. I thought about scrapping the post but feel it is well written, still valid in many respects and worth running. We all have ups and downs, highs and lows and it helps to commiserate. To know we all have many of the same feelings, anxieties and concerns in life.

Is the desire fading? Should I give it up? Life is too complicated anyway, without adding all of the dressing issues.

These are thoughts I am having. My outing frequency has waned recently and frankly, I haven’t missed all that goes with becoming Kandi. I’ve stated it before here and could not mean it anymore than I do now. I love BEING Kandi. I hate what it takes to BECOME Kandi. That will never change. The payoff often makes the effort worthwhile. Not so much lately.

Being Kandi is a means of supersizing happiness. When there is no internal happiness there, it becomes empty. A waste. Just not the same. I recognize these are the normal ups and downs of life itself. Even more so, the ups and downs of the cross-trans-gendered-dressers. I know all of this. I know it’s “one day at a time”. I have experienced the tremendous highs and the self-loathing lows. I know. I know what love and support is, I have it. In my real and my virtual lives. Many don’t. I am blessed. This place is a treasure along with the silent and participative readers I have. But still……..

My main wiring, the principal way I approach my life, each and every waking moment of my day, is to provide for my family. And I’ve done well up to a point. The angel known as my wife deserves more than I could ever explain here. I know she doesn’t feel this way, but I feel like a tremendous disappointment. A failure. She deserves better.

But these feelings, what the hell am I doing with my life? Your words of encouragement and tremendous support mean so much, but they change nothing unfortunately.

This blog is my therapy couch, it’s my diary, it’s where I can go and just speak my mind completely. Most days it is fun and uplifting and I believe that joy will return. The core of me is still there, it’s just buried right now. You wouldn’t even know about these feelings except that I have this platform.

Forgive another downer post. This is not the result of anything specific except the time and opportunity to put some thoughts on paper, hoping that frees me a bit. Too much time to think, that’s all. It’s hard to shake, self doubt, what should I have done? How can I move forward? How do I move forward? There is a reason you have seen me going out so often, to fill the time, to avoid these thoughts. To avoid being “in my head”.

Tomorrow you will read about a fantastic day I had a few weeks back. I need to get back to THAT. I am sure I will again and I hope venting like this gets me there. We all feel this way one time or the other, I know.

from Kandi's Land https://kandis328772669.wordpress.com/2019/08/03/reflection-2/
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