A Linda Follow-Up on Volunteering as “Him” (Me)

Linda and I do actually have a nonverbal dialog and here is her feedback after this recent post. This will be the first time she reads my response.

OK Kandi, so volunteering gives Kandi purpose but consumes a lot of ‘wasted’ time.  (I am not sure it is really ‘wasted’ time either as it enables us and others to appreciate Kandi, quite apart from fulfilling your need.)  You like and enjoy volunteering and Kandi is you, whatever you say about ‘him’ being just another guy.  One of the things I love about going out as a woman are the differences from being a man.  Like you, I love the hugs, which women so easily share – do you get hugged by men?  I love women will way more easily chat with me as another women compared to the occasional times anyone does with ‘him’. (Although to be fair, ‘he’ could make more effort to chat, which I am sure would be rewarded.  ‘He’ could even hug although ‘he’ is so inhibited, lol.)  I love being able to be feminine when out.  To peruse female clothes, make-up, accessories etc completely freely.  Men can even be so much nicer to me than they ever are with ‘him’.  

So let’s unpack some of this. I get hugs from men and women, gay and straight, black and white, old and young, really anyone. I probably picked up well over ten good hugs this past Friday at the art museum (post coming soon). Let me amend that, hugs from over ten people, quite a few additional hugs were multiple hugs from the same person over the course of the evening.

Being perceived or treated as a woman makes chit chat very easy, it actually makes it possible. By that I mean, it sparks an interest in the other person to talk to me, often breaking the ice with a complement on my outfit (again from men and women). While I would or am by no means treated poorly as myself, I am not treated as well as I am as Kandi. Just not possible with so many different people.

It is lovely that Kandi has a purpose through volunteering but I wonder if ‘he’ could not also enjoy doing so but in a different way?   Why couldn’t ‘he’ also bring Kandi’s smile, energy, enthusiasm, joy to delight others and for a little longer not having taken the extra time in becoming and ‘unbecoming’, lol?  This is not to put Kandi out of your life at all but ‘he’ is not ‘just a guy’ as ‘he’ being Kandi all too clearly demonstrates.  Could ‘he’ not make Kandi’s difference volunteering somewhere, even perhaps closer, where Kandi has not been?  Maybe it could be as fulfilling for ‘him’ to volunteer but be more like Kandi doing so?  All of us are individuals as ‘he’ definitely is and way off being ‘just’ another guy. 

There are two points I need to make about my volunteering. First, there literally isn’t time for any more. I currently volunteer on and off for at least 25 organizations. And remember my pecking order, given that Kandi is at least sixth in that order (husband, father, son, friend, provider, athlete), the sole reason for volunteering is both to be Kandi and to hopefully meet that contact that will help solve my struggles with my so-called career. While volunteering is fulfilling, that is an added benefit, not it’s initial purpose.

The second point I want to make is that I have slowly been converting volunteer relationships to both Kandi and me. I have done it in both modes for The Arthritis Foundation, I just tell them who will be working an event. My theaters have seen me in both modes. Now The Prom to Remember has been introduced to my other half as I recently mentioned. I worked a fundraiser as myself because our daughter was home and had a ball. But that fun was limited to a small circle of folks, when Kandi, it comes in waves. Now I have freed that organization up for contributing in the most convenient fashion for me.

Again, I will politely disagree with you regarding the perception of me as myself in the world. To the general public (which we are talking about here), trust me, I am a JAG. I recognize that in the context of those who know me, I am a special person on many different levels. One thing I cannot be accused of is for not being self-aware. I completely know the good, bad and ugly about being me and there is plenty of all of those.

I understand the lure of alcohol is a lifetime issue, perhaps like our need to dress?  It sounds as though being Kandi helps with that, which is truly wonderful but ‘he’ is a very strong person.  ‘He’ is loved by wife and daughters.  ‘He’ wants to do the best possible in all that ‘he’ does.  Being capable of taking Kandi out volunteering is way off what ‘just a guy’ can do as you know.  You, ‘he’ and Kandi, are very ‘special’ as your blog, which to me is unique, unequivocally shows us all.

You mention I am a very strong person. I might be the toughest SOB you know. I won’t list all the crap I have been through in my life (the list is longer than you would guess), handling both trials and tribulations as well as physical toughness. But we all, each and every one of us, have difficulties in our lives. I am certainly alone in trying to navigate the curves life throws at us. Regarding alcohol (and I hope I don’t offend anyone here) it has been a part of my life almost throughout because I am Catholic (in part). There’s the whole guilt thing, but I won’t get into that. Allow me to explain.

I went to Catholic schools all my life. You must understand the difference between a Catholic or private school and a public school. If you attend a public school, you go to school in your town, with other kids from your town. The parents probably know each other in some form or fashion. It is a fairly closed environment, maybe going to school with the same kids for as many as twelve years. In my case, I went to another town, with other students from other towns. My parents knew almost none of the other parents. Maybe I was in a car sooner than I would have otherwise. Plus a completely different racial and socioeconomic mix (rich and poor, black, Hispanic and white) than my local public school (middle class white almost exclusively). My three sisters went to the local public school, I purposely isolated myself in that regard. So my social circles involved traveling away from home, generally unsupervised, making it easier to do things you might not do in your neighborhood. At my recent reunion, we laughed at all the stupid things we did that we would never allow our children to get away with.

So believe me, in the 70’s, almost for the entirety of my high school years, particularly during football season (yes, I played), game or practice, drinking afterward. College, well you can figure that one out. Am I an alcoholic? No, I know that because I have exerted will power being completely dry for over two years once in the recent past and significantly cutting back for another long stretch (also fairly recently). My alcohol consumption now is principally self-medication, with all on my plate currently. Again, without revealing everything about my life, we have mental health issues in our family. While I dodged the big bullet, I am sure there is a little of that in mix too. Self-medication is a big thing to those with mental health issues, whether it’s smoking, drinking or overeating. I’ve seen it, I’ve lived it. That fat, hairy guy that predated Kandi was doing just that, self-medicating, more so then.

You say I want to do the best possible for many reasons. I have one fatal character flaw, I am highly responsible. And believe me, the flaw is fatal, it didn’t allow me to walk away from a situation which I should have. A situation has scarred my life, trying to stop a leak in the dike with my fingers when the dike itself was crumbling all around. We’ll stop at that.

I’ve told a few people, and not done so arrogantly, I might be one of the most fascinating people you could meet given the many layers of me and experiences I have been through. Simply juxtapose the legal issues I have mentioned, to the marathons I have completed to the bridal fittings and walks down the beach in a bikini I have had. Huh? Who does all that (and more)? Most in my real life don’t know about “this” layer. But the great majority of it I keep to myself. If I asked one to make a list of adjectives that describe themselves (and be completely honest about it), my list might be the most interesting one. But that ain’t happenin’ here.

Thanks again Linda! Did I even answer the question?

from Kandi's Land https://kandis328772669.wordpress.com/2019/10/08/a-linda-follow-up-on-volunteering-as-him-me/
via IFTTTSidor som bodycontact