Blogging

Now nearing two years of doing this, it has been enlightening. This is effectively my diary. It is sometimes just me screaming into my pillow, so to speak, getting something off my chest or off my mind. So on the rare occasions I am a downer, forgive me, it does help.

I very much enjoy summarizing an outing in writing. I helps me think through what happened, savor it a bit and makes it real. While I have been out hundreds of times, it still feels surreal, not like it is happening to me, not that doing what I am able to do is even possible. Five years of doing this still has a long way to go to defeat the ingrained feelings from the previous almost 50 years. Those feelings are a part of me. Still even more so than Kandi is a part of me.

I have been described as fearless. I laugh at that because there really is nothing fearful about what I do. It is well thought out, well calculated and oh yeah, there is nothing wrong with it. I do it safely and have proven that over and over again. There is no reason to fear the world in a dress any more than one should fear the world otherwise (and simply living in this day and age is real reason for fear).

This blog is absolutely work. It takes work to stay positive so much. Pre-acceptance, my default mood was negative. Post-acceptance, it is generally positive. But still, life, my circumstances, the world in general, weighs on me and I fight to remain positive.

It takes work to come up with an original thought so frequently. It takes work to do the very little IT work it takes to administer the nuts and bolts of this blog. But it is a labor of love, at least for the foreseeable future. But like anything worthwhile, the work is worth it. Training for a race is work, but I do it freely and happily. Same here, the sometimes forced positivity helps keep me in positive mindset.

I take yoga and meditation classes, where I have discovered some of the beliefs acquired from experiences are grounded in reality. In meditation, we are taught to dismiss negative thoughts, that we chose to be negative (I cannot recommend both yoga and a guided meditation class more!). I find that to be true. Being Kandi and this blog is a mechanism for dismissing negativity in my mind. Deep breaths, focus on the breathing…….

The feedback I receive is priceless. It helps center me, helps me know I am not at all alone in many of my thoughts, feelings and actions. It feeds my ego (we all have one). It gives me fresh ideas and helps me hone my presentation.

There is a sense of community here. Believe me (you know) not all those wrestling with these gender issues are the same. They are all over the board. So here I have been able to get to know a few that think like me, approach our place in the world like I do. And we’re worldwide!!

The support has been amazing, quite uplifting. I cannot describe how appreciated is an e-mail, maybe from someone half way around the globe, who I previously never heard of or from, complementing me or telling me this blog has made a difference. Or an e-mail describing a successful outing, inspired by this blog.

So sometimes you get to read about things here that no one else will hear about from me in the real world. I do my best not to overburden my wife with my concerns or issues, adding to her natural worries as a wife and mother. So I’ll keep going for now, keep trying to be real. Thank you all for who you are and what you do for me!

Post ideas or questions are always welcome. We have a very long series coming up from my friend Dee as well as one from my conscience, Pat. Also Cassidy and Marie check in soon. If you want to tell your story, anonymously if you’d like, please do. This stopped being about me a long time ago.

from Kandi's Land https://kandis328772669.wordpress.com/2019/10/03/blogging/
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