Gender Fluid?

I’ve come to the realization that I am not at all gender fluid. I am all in, male or female. I’ve tried to blur the lines over the past few years. I haven’t really felt comfortable when doing so and have not sustained any interest in it.

In my regular life, I am very comfortable being male, doing very male things. Competition is my favorite thing to do, it trumps everything. I wouldn’t describe myself as an “alpha” male, but lean that way. I’ve discussed my pecking order and it takes a while to get to Kandi. Since she is the subject of this blog, you hear more about her than if I wrote a blog on the entirety of my life (and bored the hell out of you). Those priority roles, husband, father (not partner or parent), friend (among my male friends), athlete, worker, all male roles, all roles I am comfortable in.

Recently, I have relished my male roles. When the girls were home for Thanksgiving, being Dad. Running three races that week, being an athlete. My new favorite activity, pickleball, competing and socializing with many different people. I played three times this past week. My wife was on vacation for almost two weeks, being her husband. We went to a movie and did many things together around the house. A great deal of my Kandi time is when she is at work.

But when I get the opportunity to get dressed, be Kandi, I am all in there as well. Just on the total opposite end of the spectrum. There is comfort in clarity. A clear feeling that I am indeed a man, I am indeed a woman at that point in time. I talked in the early part of this year about “hybrid Kandi”. Experimenting, trying new things, but I have not gone back to those activities or means of presentation. The comfort level is just not there. But I walk into a room, whether as myself or in a dress, I am totally at ease, comfortable in my skin.

During recent events which you have read about, the Plexus Holiday Party and the art museum’s MIX party, I savored that time being who Kandi is. The complete ease and acceptance I experience. And hug after hug after hug. My face sore from lengthy smiling (quite literally). A well-assembled outfit, a very specific complement. Kandi doesn’t exist without me and I am nowhere near the man I am without her.

I am really comfortable on the binary, whichever that one is, not so much in the middle anywhere.

Just more holiday downtime reflections……

from Kandi's Land https://kandis328772669.wordpress.com/2019/12/17/gender-fluid/
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