The Way It Used to Be

This “vintage” post really helps us understand that there are many similar experiences and feelings that we all go through, but when going through them we think it’s just us.  It’s not.

Prior to my self-acceptance, when I found myself in situations that would allow for a little girl time, like being out of town with nothing to do, I would often try to fight the urge.  This was in the time before Kandi was even possible, before I ever even wore any makeup or a wig.  That was when I dressed my hairy body from the neck down, looking the fool with my mustache, chest and leg hair and ever-present snuff (my stupid means of trying to counterbalance the feminine feelings). 

For a few years I worked remotely as a consultant for a company and often would spend a few days at their offices.  The drive from my home to the office was about six hours, about halfway there was a city right off the turnpike that had every conceivable store to buy female clothing cheaply.  Remember at this time of my life, items were purchased and frequently disposed of pretty quickly, racked with guilt and shame.  I tried not to spend too much, knowing everything would be soon left in a hotel garbage can.  Often within hours.

On the trips that I TRIED, really tried, not to indulge I would get into my hotel room and pretty quickly be gripped with that anxiety headache.  These were my options.  Option one, do not buy any items of women’s clothing.  The result was always an inability to concentrate on anything else, even simply trying to watch any TV.  The anxiety grew and it was never something I was able to beat.  Option two, buy women’s clothing.  That always ended in me pretty much hating myself, me doing everything I could to dispose of the dreaded clothing.  Either way, I felt like crap.  Nothing a pizza and a six pack wouldn’t take care of, right?

So for those of you fighting it…..been there.  Yes, I now do things many wish they could.  I am now pretty well accepted.  But that was always not the case.  The significant majority of my life, I too struggled and mostly made a fool of myself.  Fortunately, I was the only one who knew about it until now (or when I originally posted this).

from Kandi's Land https://kandis328772669.wordpress.com/2019/12/21/the-way-it-used-to-be/
via IFTTTSidor som bodycontact