Me, Myself and I

In my recent “Always Noticed” post, I received the following comment:

In this post you have also planted a seed for a different discussion. You state that “you feel no different walking into somewhere in a dress or as myself .” Many in the overall community use the term ‘myself’ when referring to themselves presenting as a woman. Like you, I see myself as the same person regardless of attire but I am certainly myself in my regular day to day presentation as a guy.

Pat

I have never felt that Kandi was the “real me”. Far from it. What lead me to her, those almost 50 years of self-loathing and guilt, tell me all that. Looking in the rear view mirror, I was miserable internally (externally, I was happy and blessed with a wonderful family). She is a component of my personality. A component that was locked away, a possibility unrealized until my self-acceptance in 2014. Once I let it out, I felt happy. Never once, even now when I get dressed, do I feel “right”. Never once do I feel like another person. Never once do I feel like a woman. I do feel feminine, I know what it is to be a woman, having lived with them (almost exclusively, no brother, no sons) my entire life. I do refer to Kandi here as a woman, I mean that as a descriptive term, not as the actual definition of myself.

I feel a joy, a rush of happiness, rose colored glasses through which I can view the world. Inside my head, nothing changes. My thought process, my priorities, all the same. I know I’ll probably get some push back here, or someone else’s view of the world and how they perceive all of “this”, however you wish to define it. I am by no means denying who and what I am, I believe I am more open than most or this blog would be a bunch of blank pages. I also open myself to others analysis of me from a distance. Most of that I quite enjoy and it makes me think. Thinking is good…..I think.

I’ll refer to my ice cream analogy. My life is a big bowl of ice cream. Who doesn’t love ice cream? Kandi is a sundae, syrup, whipped cream, nuts, the works! But you just can’t eat a sundae every day (if you want to be healthy). But that sundae every so often, just the best!

“Me” is the husband, the provider, the father, the athlete, the friend and then yes, Kandi. I’ve talked before about where my joy comes from, the mirror that is the world and how it reflects back to me when I am out and about. Becoming Kandi unlocked many other components of my life that would not have happened otherwise. Simple example: never in any universe could I have run a marathon except that Kandi changed me, my body, my mind set, my life.

I often have choices as to how to present myself or what I activity I would like to do on any given day and I still often defer to doing so as myself, not Kandi. You don’t read about those choices here, the day I wrote this being one such day. Spent all afternoon doing a male activity and went to an evening meeting as myself and not Kandi, which I very well could have.

For me, the key is that when I am not dressed, I still feel “right”. I feel no switch flip from “wrong” to “right” when I get dressed. I go from happy to, I guess, really happy in the moment. A thrill! Being a full realized person, now, a little of this and a little of that, makes it so.

Thanks Pat!

Just a heads up, I am in the process of setting up a new web site with a web address that I can actually remember (I do not even know the actual web address for this one, I just cut and paste it as needed). Given that I am an internet luddite (thanks, Pat for the term) I could just as easily screw it up as make this place even better. So maybe, coming soon, a new and improved Kandi’s Land!

Tomorrow is what I believe to be the best written piece yet! I’m pretty proud of it.

from Kandi's Land https://kandis328772669.wordpress.com/2020/01/16/me-myself-and-i/
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