My friend Betty took me to task for the “Pronouns” post yesterday. My world view is just that, mine. I sometimes don’t see others’ view of the world. Betty, whom I love, points out some things I did not consider. The floor is hers…..
By Betty Jacobs, Founder/Executive Director
Hi Kandi,
My name is Betty Jacobs, I am the founder and executive director of LGBTQ+ Allies Lake County, I am also your friend. I care and respect you tremendously. You have always been supportive of myself and other members of the LGBTQ community. But being who I am I felt it was important for me to talk about your blog post [yesterday]. I subscribed to your blog a few months ago, and I have loved everything I have read. The platform you have built, and the voice you have given to a community of people who may feel rejected by societal norms, is amazing!
I sat at my kitchen table and read your blog this afternoon. My immediate response was to push my laptop back, put my head in my hands and I said out loud, “no Kandi no, you can’t say those things. They are hurtful”. My heart broke for a community that I fight for every day. My heart broke for our friendship, and the relationship I have built with you.
I completely understand that the views you express were yours, and you were only speaking for yourself. With that being said, the platform you have built matters, your voice matters, and what you say matters, people are listening to you! So much of what you said hit me hard as being a part of the LGBTQ community. I am a lesbian, and one of those letters in the “alphabet soup” belong to me, it is part of my identity. I will not lie; it was rough to read what you wrote. I accept you, support you, and care about you no matter who you are. I have been verbally attacked over my identity more times than I can count. I have been called a pedophile because I am raising children with my partner. I wear that letter as a badge of honor. I do want to pause here and take a moment to say, I know in my heart you did not mean to offend me or anyone else.
Pronouns are more important then ever to so many people, it is who they are, their identity. The people this mostly affects is trans and nonbinary folks. As a Cis gendered white woman, I was born with the privilege of having my pronouns, I never have to worry about being misgendered. But for people who are trans and nonbinary it is a big deal, and it should be! You do not know how many trans folks I talk to that just want to be able to walk around and be invisible, yes, I said invisible. They do not want anyone to say anything to them. Their emotional and mental health have been destroyed because they have spent their entire life being misgendered. That is not ok, we all need validation, we all need to feel like we matter. Unfortunately, we do not live in world where everyone is accepted for who they are. So, to say to entire community that because you do not understand what they need the letters, or pronouns for so nonchalantly, is very hurtful.
I know that you are accepting, and you do spend a lot of time volunteering with the LGBTQ community. You are welcoming and supportive, and the LGBTQ community have in turn been welcoming and supportive to you. As your friend, I want you to know that what you have wrote may hurt someone very deeply. Sometimes a pronoun is the only thing that a trans individual has to identify with. My hope is that this does not come off as an attack, but of a way to educate. You are still you, and you have your own opinions, as do I. Please use your voice to lift the spirits of the folks that are lost, broken, or need support. I know you have a huge loving heart; I want your readers to see that through the words you write.
Your Friend,
Betty
I write exclusively from my own experiences and I am not trangendered, I cannot imagine how difficult that is to live with 24/7/365. You will read a post tomorrow that was written months ago, where I will acknowledge the great bravery of these folks. But being a crossdresser is different. For me (and I speak only for me), I cannot be misgendered. I am both. My Pronouns post was written by a crossdresser. For us, simply being accepted, regardless of our pronouns, is the key. But I adore Betty and am always willing to listen to others and try to understand their perspective. While I stand by my post, I acknowledge Betty’s point of view and her life’s work and will continue to support her in any way that I am able. Love you my dear friend!!
from Kandi's Land https://kandis328772669.wordpress.com/2020/10/08/listening-to-other-voices/
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