I wrote this a while ago, pre-COVID. Things have changed, I have changed, the world has changed. This is a bit of a summary of where things have gone.
I cherish each and every Kandi outing I get. While I often do the same thing when out, every experience is so different. I have talked about my desire to get my mug in front of as many people as possible. On a two hour art museum shift, for example, I could have seen at least 400 people, usually more than that (pre-COVID). Four hundred people that I greet, speak to, smile at and/or engage in a conversation. I don’t skimp on presentation either, so I am usually in heels. Most volunteer gigs have me standing. It is rare that I am just quietly out.
Also when I am dressed, I am “on”. I never let my guard down. I am at minimum aware of my surroundings for safety reasons (be smart). I am also aware that I represent all of my sisters when out, I always want to leave a good impression. Kandi is a bit of a performance. Yes, she is me and I am her, no doubt. But I am also more outgoing, a bigger personality that I normally am.
Things hurt when I am dressed. Clip-on earrings, over time, become painful. I have made some changes to make them more comfortable as I have learned. I sometimes have this Clark Kent thing going on. I wear glasses, bifocals. Kandi wears contacts, purely for vanity purposes. My eyes are not conducive to wearing contacts long term. Eventually, on a long outing, my eyes tire or on occasion, become very uncomfortable. I have focusing issues in contacts. You have seen me almost exclusively in glasses over the past year or so as a result.
When dressed, I treat my body differently that I would otherwise. While I am 100% comfortable using the ladies room, I avoid doing so whenever possible. Also without getting graphic, I am, shall we say, not as loosely underdressed than I would be otherwise. I don’t eat as much as I would normally when out and chose only items that I can consume in a “put together” lady-like fashion. I am often slightly physically uncomfortable when dressed. At my age, when you deny yourself the opportunity to “go” you sometimes don’t get that opportunity back again and when you do, let’s just say it’s a struggle.
We have talked before about the time invested in just being out as Kandi. The work and thought associated with the day’s outfit assembly. Shaving, shaving, shaving…… Makeup and getting dressed. The commute to wherever I am going (usually at least 30 minutes one way). Returning home and how I do that. Getting cleaned up and putting everything away. That point was driven home to me as I spent a good two minutes getting ready for Mass with my wife the other Sunday, while she was still applying makeup in the car after 45 minutes in the bathroom.
Kandi is a labor of love. She lifts me to highs, different than highs associated with family and friends, but highs nonetheless. A simple complement or sometime touching and deeply meaningful complements, lift me, thrill me to no end. I am honored, blessed and exhilarated by my Kandi experiences.
But…….I am often exhausted. Tired. Beat. I still have a job, still have household responsibilities, still cherish my time with my wife, children and friends. No day is complete without daily exercise, usually a run or at least 45 minutes of activity (now up to an hour and a half on a non-work day). My male interests have gone nowhere, I still love a good game (when available). And oh yeah, I am old!
Kandi, The Great Time Sponge, frequently exhilarating and often exhausting!
These days, I long for the ability to do some of the things I used to be able to. We all do. I am still evolving myself, focusing more on photo shoots, more on my presentation, trying new and different things. Making changes in my basic presentation. You certainly have see some obvious changes here with the longer hair and some body shape and presentation changes. I am getting more serious about permanent hair removal, slowly. I am mentally exhausted frequently, inactivity being my personal worst enemy. Now, it’s the way of the world.
I have also thrown myself into trying (generally with modest or disappointing results) to create some sense of community. It is not at all easy. The Supper Club is the center piece for that and it is both tremendously exhilarating and incredibly frustrating. It is work, I feel it is important (and fun, of course), but also has been disappointing to me that I have had problems drawing folks from outside a small circle of people. I’ve asked for ideas and suggestions, I generally get crickets. I’ll keep trying for the near future and see where this all goes. It’s hard enough as it is and then you throw COVID on top of it and it gets harder.
Just know, the smile will never fade, but please do not construe it for someone who lives a carefree life. If dressing didn’t make me happy (like the first 50 or so years of my life), I would just stop doing it. I believe I now have that ability when the joy fades, but it hasn’t yet and so I move forward. I live the same difficult life we all do nowadays. I have blessings and curses, advantages and difficulties like everyone else. I just have this platform.
Be well, all! Stay well, everyone!
from Kandi's Land https://kandis328772669.wordpress.com/2020/10/23/frequently-exhilarated-often-exhausted/
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